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Kauai makes you feel trivial, in the best possible way. The Na Pali coast has smoky light creeping through the valleys, cliffs that look like they’re standing on their tiptoes to reach the sky, intricate waterfalls meandering through the lush mountains. It’s the kind of thing that makes you shut up, and realize that something that extraordinary exists. Right around you, there are dolphins swimming, fly fish prancing, and every so often there’s a sea turtle that I imagine is just thinking, “dudeeeeee.”

On the catamaran yesterday, we watched the mountains in awe, snorkeled around them, and on the way back, sheaths of rain pounded the boat. We held onto the bars at the front, each wave tossing our bodies like they were weightless, and I’m not sure I’ve ever had so much fun. Once we went back into the covered area, the co-captain passed around buttered macadamia cookies and Mai Tais. If that’s not a perfect day, I don’t know what is.

But this morning, I woke up a little disturbed. Every so often, I’ll remember the breakup – and then there’s that dancing lava in the pit of my stomach that causes my whole body to feel like it’s on fire, that inconsolable feeling of losing people and the structure in my life. It still completely confounds me that that is a normal part of life…that people do it, voluntarily, all the time. There are times I’ve felt ashamed for still occasionally feeling pain. But I think that for whatever dumb reason, I’m still a little shocked.  If you had told me six months ago that I would not be with the man I thought I would marry, that I would be living in San Francisco, that I would lose and rebuild my business before anyone noticed, that I’d be dating some other dude, I would have looked at you like you’d just told me you hung out with some unicorns. But I’m here, and I think it’s real, and my mind’s still spinning, looping in and out of euphoria and gratitude and sometimes slipping into that pain.

And then I look at those mountains and those waterfalls, and think about how silly I am! I feel everything just melt into a sea of calm. Then I eat a cookie, and I’m good to go. Really, a good mountain and a cookie can fix most things.

As you may have gathered, this past year has been tumultuous. And for my birthday, I’d like to use the idea that things can change so abruptly and so unexpectedly in my favor. I’d like to move nimbly toward independence, toward being a constant in the chaos, and toward maintaining a grace and courage I only recently learned I have.

For my birthday, I am going to eat like a Greek goddess. I am traveling to a spa in Napa with outdoor jacuzzis and unlimited wine. When I lay my head gently back into the water, they will play music from my iPod – underwater. Every hour or so, I’ll get out to taste the fresh cheese and grapes. I am bringing in year 27 with tranquility and cheese and Wyclef.

This year, I want to forgive myself more readily and fully. I want to eat and dance and have great sex. I want to be outside all the time. I want to be deliberate about my relationships and not fall into them. And perhaps most of all, I want to remember that I am responsible for my happiness. If I’m unhappy, I have the obligation to walk away, and if I don’t, shame on me.

To year 26 of my life: good riddance! You brought me to the lowest I’ve ever been, and I feel compelled to say thank you, but bon voyage. Arrivederci. Syonara. PEACE.